Food Hang Over + Break Up

  Whenever I eat greasy AND salty food, my body just collapses. I fell asleep early evening last night after eating super yummy Indian food(kohrma?). I hate food coma. Maybe I should ask my doc.

  I woke up with my friend's call late night. Her bf dumped her. It was kinda coming.
  Her personality is very scorpio, so sometimes I, myself find it hard to deal with her sudden anger. Half of the occasions, I don't even understand why she is mad.
  But, at the bottom she is a real sweet, caring person. Too bad that she supported her, now, ex through two big challenging time(his mom's death and his audition season which didn't turn out so great), but she couldn't even lean on his shoulder after a long week of work.

  I know why she was crying so hard, though. Cause I understand how she feels.
  I give a lot of weight even when I just date. I can't do casual, no string attached dating stuff. It has been like that even in college. I wish I could, but I can't.
  I don't want to have any unsuccessful experience that requires my emotion.
  (My definition of successful experience is having a meaningful relationship at least for 9 months)
  I know it doesn't go as I plan all the time.
  I've "failed" a few times in relationships.
  Although I daydream about having beautiful relationship eventually, it still sucks so badly that taking risk makes me cringe. It sucks to the point that I don't want to feel like I'm not lovable.
 
  It's like taking auditions.
  I have taken many many auditions and lost most of them(I stopped counting how many auditions I took long time ago) You give the best of you into this and you get rejected. The result of audition is not personal, not like break up. Yet, the result of both is the big fucking failure to make it through.
  My friend and I agreed that it feels like we proved again that after all the knowledge, experience and careful/considerate plan and actings we are not lovable and we scream to ourselves "what the fuck did I mess up again?"

  Now I am much "pickier" about everything. I guess I know better about my dreams, boundaries and capabilities.
  When I take auditions or see a big possibility of building an actual relationship, I give the bestest of me carefully. And if they don't like who/what I am I decide not to feel bitter about the result.
  I can't fucking please all 9 committees in auditions. I am not going to be worried if I can please this person or not.
  I just give my true best. If you don't like it, your loss. Screw you.