personal crap

Here's the essential sequence of events to date:

• Summer 2006 - I meet W through online personals, we have a 17 hour first date and begin sleeping together occasionally with the understanding that he is not looking to get into a relationship.
• January 2007 - W. disappears when he starts working on a music project and sleeping with someone else.  We chat occasionally on IM, but he never mentions his new lover.
• May 2007 - W. writes me from Louisiana to say that he has feelings for me but does not expect them to be reciprocated.
• August 2007 he calls me out of the blue and we run errands together.  We make each other laugh a lot.
• September 2007 - I invite him for a drive on the Olympic peninsula, which turns into a tryst at a motor inn in Sequim. We start sleeping together a few times per week.
  
• November 2007 - I discover that he's still in contact with the former lover, but he still won't talk about her.  I express my insecurities and we have a huge fight.  But then we go to Oregon for the weekend and it's all fine.
• December 2007 - We continue to discuss our insecurities and exchange "don't fuck with me" emails.  We spend xmas day together watching twin peaks.
• January 2008 - He calls me a control freak and we get into another fight.  We question whether to continue our sexual relationship and decide to do so.  I take a week away from him to stop being angry. At the end of the week I ask if he would be OK with me seeing other people and he gives a vague hypothetical response.  I go ahead and look online, but I find no one of interest.
• February 2008 - I decide to meet with someone I met on the internet.  His only free day is 2/14 and W. freaks out that I have a valentine's day "date, " and asks me if I have been sleeping with anyone else.  To avoid this kind of confusion I suggest that we make a casual sexual exclusivity pact.  While we are sleeping together we don't sleep with anyone else.

So last weekend he had a performance on Friday night and he asked if he could have until the following day to give me his decision.  It seemed a bit dramatic, but whatever.  Saturday I had a rental car so we went for a drive to Fort Flager and Port Townsend.  The day was very... er... sexually charged, but we didn't talk about the exclusivity thing until I brought it up on the drive back.  It turns out he considers this a more serious commitment than I do and his uncertainty makes him frustrated.  The conversation became very tense and ended with him saying "ok, fine, yes!" out of exasperation.

Last night he came over for pizza and videos and afterward  he re-opened the conversation.  He hadn't been comfortable with the outcome.  He doesn't want a long-term relationship.  He doesn't want to get comfortable together or start forming habits.  He doesn't want to hurt me or make me insecure.  Yes, but what does he want?  And is that something I want too?  If I weren't so fond of him I would have extracted myself months ago.  But I am fond.  And I don't have much else going right now.